I have been mastering the laws of the attraction, over coming typical blocks.  I got a new car recently, and it's been an interesting case study. Here is a time line:

I've been thinking of a new car for about a year, and finally resigned to the fact that I will get whatever my uncle finds whether I like it or not. Monday (5/14) I think that me not having access to a car isn't very convenient. What I really want is convenient access to a car. Tuesday the Dodge breaks down. It's announced I will get a new car. Wednesday I think to myself all I want is a car that is convenient, reliable, comfortable, 4-door, and gets good mileage. Thursday my father says I'm getting a 2002 Buick Century. I looked online for a review of the car. The review said it was reliable, comfortable and gets good mileage, but that's about all that's noteworthy for the car. Friday I get the car, and I'm honestly dissatisfied. Perhaps now I am more sympathetic to your car buying woes! I make the connection that I got what I wanted (it's comfortable, etc.), and I should have set my expectations higher, say something I actually like. Saturday (today) I have more insight. I realize the car is what my uncle found, and I got it, regardless of the fact that I don't really like it.

Obviously I shall be more specific and positive from now on. 

Wednseday I was out with a friend.  My friend and I are similar in lots of ways.  One way is that we both need pretty good jobs sometime soon.  Another way is we both think everything is stupid, so we don't want to do anything because it's stupid.  For instance, this job stuff, climb the corporate ladder, make some guy richer, keep up with the Joneses business is stupid, and neither of us want to do it.

The good thing with seeing everything is stupid is that it shows that society and all it's goals, values, and structures are empty and meaningless by themselves.  People assign  meaning to them.  The only problem is  that most people don't realize it.  They think society actually has value on its own, even though its a human creation.  Thus people live their lives in a state of unconscious idolatry and enslavement.   This is stupid.

The problem with seeing everything is stupid is that  it only goes half-way in the revelation.  Yes, society is empty make-believe.  The next question is, what can I fill the emptiness with, what can I make-believe for myself?  Asking this allows them to consciously use society for their benefit, rather than being stupid sheep. 

Apply this to our situation.  Employment is a social construct.  Employment as a means of "earning a living" is a social construct.  By themselves they are meaningless and stupid.  Thus doing them just because that's what society says to do is stupid.  However, actively using the social construct to our benefit is different.  I could say I want to develop a certain talent.   I'll use employment as an oppurtunity to develop my talent.  In turn I'll get paid for developing my talent.  I can use that money however I want, like move out the parents' house.  So indirectly, I will move out my parents' by developing my talent by using the social construct of employment. 

Now for a ridiculous example (and an inside joke people may find gross or offensive).  To be a prostitute just because society says you need a job is stupid.  But say your talent and life's joy is giving rim jobs.  Well you can use prostitution as a way to do all the rim jobs you want, plus you'll get paid for it.  Then you can use that money to get a house.  Thus you indirectly got a house by giving rim jobs.  So what I'm saying here is who wants a rim job?  No, I'm not actually saying that.  It's only an example.  I'm not giving you a rim job.

I think the real problem with my friend and I (and all other such wanders) is that we don't know and/or don't value what we want, enjoy, and are good at.  Thus we have no idea how to use society to our benefit.

A friend commented that all this stuff is nonsense.  We only think that employment is something stupid society tells us to do because we've never been hungry, we've never needed employment to support ourselves.  While I think it's good for him to point that out, I think my reasoning still applies. 

Based on my admittedly limitted experience working with people making a dollar a day in Ghana, I can say this.  Doing their subsistence farming just because that's what impoverished folks do is stupid.  It's stupid for them to extend their miserable, hopeless lives.  But if they were to believe that their lives did have some meaning, then subsistence farming becomes a way of supporting, continuing and enriching their meaningful lives. 

The bottom line is this, to act in anyway because society says that's the way things work is stupid.  But to act in a way that uses the circumstances around you in a way to reaffirm your life is good.

The college is almost done.  I look back, and my tendency is to think that it was good, but could have been better if I knew what I know now at the beginning of college.  Yet I have to recall that the college experience that I did have is what brought me to my current level of knowledge.  So I have to be thankful for what I did do.  Really that was the best I could do at the time. 

It's far better to be grateful what inaccurately seems mediocre (because it really was the best you could have) than to regret what we inaccurately think could have been better (when it really couldn't have because that's the best you could do, and in fact needed to do, at that time).  If anything it sets up a precedent of gratitude,free from fruitless regret. 

In the past, I would have been very discontent with this idea because it's positive but still doesn't deliver what I want.  Yes, it makes sure I am grateful for the experiences, but doesn't objectively change the experiences.  Yet I suppose life in general is like this, so I best get good at this perspective.  There's no real point in holding on to the impossible, only to be motivated for a better future.  Of course having that better future makes the same need to be grateful for the best you could do at the time. 

As I'll be moving on from collegeland soon, I have been thinking what to do afterwards.  The wiser elders (not to imply all elders are wise, rather to say that the elders that are wiser at times) have suggested that deciding what you are going to do in life is a lot easier if you know what you want to do. Maybe this seems obvious to the point of silly, but now that I think about it most people don't know what they really want. I didn't know what I want. In fact I tried not to want anything "because didn't want to close any options." Really because I was afraid I wouldn't get what I wanted, or what I wanted was somehow not good. Thus indecisive vagueness was my defense mechanism. Yet this hasn't really gotten me anywhere except anxiety, inactivity and much less fun than I could be having.

So recently I have spent much time thinking what I want. I won't really discuss them in depth. But I will share an observation: people, myself included, usually act upon what they don't want. To a certain degree, it is helpful to think of the negative because it points the way to what you do want. But there is so many ways that the specific negative could be avoided, that it really doesn't give that much more direction in your life. An example--I do not want to live with my parents a year from now. That's helpful because it removes one option off the list. But there are so many ways I could "not live with the parents." Should I get my own apartment? Should I find a roommate? Should I go to grad school and do the college living situation again? Should I buy a trailer? Should I be homeless? Hell, even killing myself is one way to not to live with my parents.

Besides the too many options problems, I feel like living to avoid the negative can't lead to any real happiness. Grammar tells us double negatives are positives, and that's wrong. Not feeling pain is not necessarily the same thing as feeling pleasure. It could just be boring mediocrity. Who really wants boring mediocrity?

Admittedly, I have largely lived my college years trying to avoid the regret I have over my largely inactive high school years. I asked myself, "how would I feel if I didn't do this?" If I felt like I would regret not doing something, I did it whether I really wanted to do something or not. This approach has pushed me to do more things and has reduced my regret. But now I wonder why do I even assume regret is in the equation? I should just do what I want figuring I will find something positive in the outcome even if it's not what I expected.

But to show that the negative is not all bad, most my new found drive is based on looking back at high school and college and thinking that I really didn't do much mostly out of some fear, masked and justified with some b.s. Thus I want to live life focused and positive so I actually do something satisfying.

From what I can tell, Zaadz is a community for people to express their "Light-side."  I think this is wonderful, as the world outside of Zaadz is not always as welcoming.  Personally, I feel like I am just learning to do that in the world.

I'm glad and inspired just how sunny people on Zaadz are, but it does makes me a curious and a bit concerned.  Expressing our Light-side is good, but so is expressing our Dark-side.  If "first there was Darkness, and God said, 'Let there be Light'," then clearly there's just as much Light in the Darkness as there is in the pre-existent Light.  While people need to learn how to express it's Light, learning how to express our Darkness in a constructive manner seems just as important.  Afterall, if we don't embrace our Darkness, how will we ever command the Light from it?

     Appreciate is a good word.

1.	to be grateful or thankful for: They appreciated his thoughtfulness.

–verb (used with object)

2.	to value or regard highly; place a high estimate on: to appreciate good wine.

3.	to be fully conscious of; be aware of; detect: to appreciate the dangers of a situation.

4.	to raise in value.

–verb (used without object)

5.	to increase in value: Property values appreciated yearly.

(appreciate. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved January 02, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/appreciate )
     I am becoming more appreciative, and I want to continue doing so.  

Existence seems to me a big duality where everything is special but nothing really matters. 

Think of all the people that don't exist and never will.  Sure there are billions of people currently living and billions already gone or yet to come.   Yet that doesn't compare to the infinite amount of people that will never ever exist.  Same thing with non-human objects and events.  Lots of stuff out there, but an infitite amount of stuff that isn't out there. 

Let people discover for themselves why some things exist and other things don't.  But whether it's by the Grace of God or some cosmic jackpot, the tiny amount of what does exist and what did happen is pretty special compared to the infinite amount that does not exist. 

On the other hand, none of that really matters because if it didn't exist, who would know the difference?  If I were one of the folks that never existed, whatever I'd have to contribute would just be channeled into a different person that did exist.   No one would be the wiser to miss me.  Everything is like that.  If it doesn't exist, life moves on. 

It seems contradictory, maybe even hopeless.  But I think it is a good thing.  We could be happy to exist without taking it too seriously.  I think that is called "FUN."

For me, college is almost done, and the old ponds are getting too small.  All signs point to moving on in life.   What does this mean? 

The way society argues folks to go is to plan your doing and then add to your having.  Plan to be a doctor, and once you're a doctor, buy a fancy car and an oversized house.  But all this isn't guarenteed.  No guarentee you'll become that doctor.  No guarentee you'll like being that doctor.  Same thing with the car and the house.  Worst of all, even if you become the doctor and get the car and the house, that doesn't mean you'll be happy.  So the method misses what I think people really want.

It makes sense to go the opposite way.  Decide to be happy.  Let that happiness lead to the right actions.  Those actions could result in having who knows what.  Happiness could manifest in countless ways.  And if it doesn't, at least you've chosen to be happy anyways.

This is what I'm doing.  It requires a lot of reorientation and faith, because this isn't what I'm told to do and there's little evidence at the present it works.  And honestly I don't really know what I'm talking about, but oh well.